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orfi2
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| | Subject: | UPDATE | | Time: | 11:00 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/frank/Frank-Mellow.gif) apathetic |
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| It's been quite a while since I've written here, but this is the update: Recovery has been going really well, except the last few days I feel disgusting and I've gained a few pounds, but I'm starting to freak. Right now I'm on my period, so I'm really hoping that some of it is water retention. I heard that most girls gain at least 2-3 pounds during menstration, sometimes more. I've got to try not to weigh myself for the next couple days until I'm done with this shit or I'll go crazy. I feel like I've been excercising a ton too, but it doesn't seem to do much.
And now I'm back into the same old habit of reading fitness magazines and looking at supermodels and making myself feel bad. I just want to be skinny and healthy and be able to eat normally at the same freakin time! No matter how I try to retrain my brain, I still cannot truly accept my body and want to be thinner.
I wish someone would actually read my journal. | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment   |
| | Subject: | Recovery | | Time: | 11:09 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/frank/Frank-Scared.gif) anxious |
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| Well I've finally made the hard decision to give recovery a complete and full shot again. Even when I first got out of treatment 2 years ago I never gave it a very fair chance. But I can't continue to live like this, and no matter what our eating disorders tell us, it is nothing more than a disease and it really has nothing to do with weight or food. My body image is not very good and I know that as I gain weight I am going to freak out and hate myself. I just have to believe that it is just due to fluid storage and slow metabolism from the behaviours, like my nutritionist says, and that I will lose it after my body settles in a couple of weeks.
This is going to become sooo hard if I keep weighing myself. I know I can't stop completely, but even if I just do it once a day I'm probably going to go crazy. I really, really hope my set point is no higher than 108, if it was between 105-107 I would be happy with that. If it settles much higher I don't think I will be able to deal with that and will probably relapse again.
Okay, well I'm going to take a bath, read, and go to bed now. Im at home until wednesday and then I head back up to Denver.
Good night | | comments: Leave a comment |
| So I went to a show (like a club but not at one) and I swear every other girl I saw looked like they had an eating disorder. There were soo soo many insanely small and skinny girls all in one place, I felt like that fattest most disgusting person there.
The bad news is: I can not seem to stop binging and purging. Or just plain purging.
The good news is: I have still lost a bit of weight, and I think when I stop the above behaviors and just restrict and exercise I will really start to reach my goals. My goal right now is to be 103.5 by sunday. So that's about 3 1/2 pounds in the next 5 days.
I also took a couple pictures of myself in my underwear, and I will take a new one every time I lose 3-5 pounds, and see if I can notice any changes. I think it will help me stay motivated. Speaking of motivation, I need to motivate myself to start practising again because I have really not been doing anything and this is the year I really need to work my butt off and improve as much as I can! I think I am going to take a bath, drink some tea, read and go to bed. Crossing my fingers I will wake up skinnier tomorrow! | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Tori Amos | | Time: | 08:32 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/frank/Frank-Okay.gif) blah |
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| Well I did ok yesterday and today. Hopefully I should be down to 106.5 tomorrow. My goal is 105 by Tuesday. I've still been purging a lot though. Only once today, but yesterday it was like 4 or 5 times.
I think I am finally over my cold now, which is very helpful. And I have to drive home to the springs tomorrow which I am def. not looking forward to. I really hate driving. But at least I'll get to zone out on the highway and listen to my i pod =)
I am kind of excited to start my house/cat sitting job on thursday. I will get to live in some strangers apartment for 20 days and get paid. I have to try to get another part time job or something so that I am not completely bored this whole break and wanting to eat all the time. I put in an app at jambe juice but they havent contacted me, so I'm going to go back over there and ask about it.
Thats it for now. Laters | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Subject: | new day | | Time: | 12:53 pm | | Current Mood: | anxious |
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| Last night was, again, an absolute wreck. Today I am starting completely over with the way I live my life. That is, I'm going to live the way I used to, with no food and no worries or bad feelings and all the while becoming more and more emaciated.
Today so far i have had;
1 packet sugar free oatmeal (120 cal)
1/2 large apple (approx 60 cal)
And I have done 20 minutes of switching between walking for 3 minutes and jogging for two. Not that much yet but I will go to the gym later and I'm going to dance my ass off tonight. Hopefully I can be good the rest of the day and avoid food as much as I can. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | About to go eat out with my boyfriend and friends...probably olive garden . ARGH. I am scared. I have had about 350 cals today (that I didnt purge) and I really rreally want to stay under 500. Hopefully I will just have salad and wipe off a bunch of the dressing. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | drum and bass | | Subject: | FAT FUCK | | Time: | 12:44 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/frank/Frank-Jealous.gif) sick |
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| Last night completely sucked again. I ate too much and I felt sooo sick and I really want to go home to my apartment but when i even mentioned it my boyfriend got all offended and pissed off.
Also, I looked at pictures of me from recently and from when I weighed 5 pounds less, and both of them looked super fat and chubby. I was seriously disgusted, I just CAN NOT believe that I look like that! I have got to get on track and lose as much weight as humanely possible over my winter break.
Okay, so I was going to liquid fast today but Im not sure thats going to be popssible with these people around. So I'm going to shoot for 500 calroies because I've lost my ability to restrict, it seems. Maybe I can leave sometime this afternoon or this evening so I dont have to eat dinner.
Right now I'm having hot cocoa made with water, which is about 80 calories. I'll keep posted.
Laters | | comments: Leave a comment |
| So last night I was forced my my bf to eat a slice of pizza, but i didnt feel that bad afterwards because i hadnt really eaten much before that, and it was quite thin. I would have been fine and all, but then later after we got home i started eating again at like, 11 pm and had cocoa and cookies and an entire fucking bagel!
I was like, crying while we were watching a movie
I also started feeling really sick and i have a yucky cold now =(
Amazangly, my weight has not gone up from yesterday and I'm still 108-108.5
Maybe cause im sick my body is using more calories to fight it? Anyone know how that works? | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Hairspray | | Subject: | Cant Stop | | Time: | 04:11 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/frank/Frank-Sad.gif) disappointed |
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| Purging has become a complete addiction. Today I went to my therapist appointment and brought the BF, I felt like it went really well. We had lunch afterwards at Bruegger's Bagels. I had a salad with madarin oranges, cranberries, chicken and blue cheese, but I did not eat the chicken or cheese, and had two small pieces or bread. I felt okay about it, I was not going to purge or anything. BUT...as soon as my bf left my apartment I started eating more and more and then threw up! GGGGGGAAAAAAARRGGGG!!!!!!! I CAN NOT STOP! I dont mind when i have a normal meal sometimes, I just need to excercise instead of fucking up my body and my metabolism. I am going to stop this NOW. No matter how much i eat, no more purging!!!!!
So I'm watching this opera special on people who've lost huge amounts of weight, like this one woman who lost 530 pounds. Pretty insane. It makes me think I'm a failure that they can lose so much and I cant even lose 5 or 10.
Ok well I'm gonna download some music and do some working out in my apartment.
Until later... | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | well it is 11;30 in the morning and I have already fucking binged and purged. I told myself I was going to STOP purging because all it does is screw my metabolism and make me GAIN weight in the end. Fuck me. I have no fucking self control anymore. I already want to eat again because now i feel empty. I havent weighed myself yet since purging but I doubt I got all of it out becaue I waited so long after eating cause i was waiting for my bf to leave. But he is still here. I'm going to take a walk to safeway in a few and get some calorie free drinks and maybe some coffee. good excercise. I still am really nervouse about going to dinner tonight. I cannot let myself keep up with the way I've been. | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| THis is the first time in a while that I've been so incredibly upset at my weight and size that I cried while I was excercising in my boyfriends room obsessicly. I am sooo sick. WE went on a double date dinner thing with Ilya's friend and his gf, which totally pissed me off caues he told me last minute and I wasn't plaaning on eating for the rest of the day. SO then, I ordered a salad and tried not to eat much, but I ended up having a lot of it, with all the cheese and chicken. I ate a bunch of chips and salsa, too. IT didnt feel like that much becaues i wasnt full, but I looked at what i ate and weighed myself and it really was. At least I didnt purge, I guess...i really really wanted too though. Tomorrow is going to suck becaue I'm going to be here in my bf's apartment all day by myself while he and his roommate are at work, with nothing to do. THat means there is a lot of oportunities for me to want to eat, and once i start i know i won't be able to stop. I always binge when I'm here.
My plan right now is; sleep as late as i can tomorrow, then after i get up I will walk to safeway and get some apples and get a coffee. Then I will try not to eat anything but one apple until Ilya gets home. I know he always goes to this resteraunt called the "dark horse" every tuesday night for "burger madness" so that is going to be a challenge for me to survive. ugh. well, I guess I will post tomorrow. g-night | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Subject: | Hello | | Time: | 05:29 pm |
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| Well, this is my first post in this journal. I had a deadjournal in high school, but I thought it would be nice to start writing out my thoughts and feelings again.
Anyway, this weekend sucked. Full of binging and I threw up twice today already. I feel like shit. My boyfriend is all worried cause i kinda blew up this morning and saterday night my parents gave me a "talk" because my mom caught me purging after lunch in the mall. I don't know whats wrong with me, I was doing so well following my meal plan and not binging or purging for a couple weeks. But I just can't stand the weight I'm at either. I feel so big and fat and I want to be under-average. I'm really torn right now between recovery and trying to get back to anorexia.
Well, I'm gonna at least try to lose 10-15 pounds and see if once I'm there I can maintain and still be able to eat like a normal person.
Oh, so here are my stats right now:
Height: 5'2
CW: 108-110
HW: 115
LW: 75
GW: 90 | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
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orfi2
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